I’m not going to lie and say that as I am writing this, I am in a good place. I am not. I am heartbroken, discouraged, and feel alone. Regardless of if there is any truth in my feelings, they still exist. They still hurt. I doubt, at times, that I am strong enough to do this thing. To be a wife, a mom and a worshiper with a horrible illness.
I hate this disease. I hate what it is taking from me and I don’t understand why I must walk this path, but who am I to judge. No one should have to feel what I am feeling, yet millions of people around the world suffer, some far more then I, so who am I to complain. I have no real right. No one should suffer, but is it an undeniable part of life.
It is in these broken moments, I must fall into God’s hands and let Him hold me. I need Him to hold me and so I surrender. I surrender to whatever His plan is, because I know Him and I know that He has what is best for me. I wish I could say I have it all together, that I can lead with grace and dignity all of the time, but that would be a lie. There are days, when I simple lead by surrendering with ugly tears and swollen eyes. There are days when I lay down at the foot of cross and just wait because when I can’t feel hope, is when I know I must rely of it. Not a fake hope of wishful thinking, but one rooted in an eternal promise that His love will never fail me.
To any one reading this, know that you may look around and see no one. You may feel completely alone, like no one really knows what you are going through. You may even try to put on a happy face, but trust me. God see you. He sees every part of you and still loves you. You are not alone. This pain is not forever, but for now, we must endure, we must persevere, we must hold on to hope and let God hold on to us. I am speaking from a place of weakness, which means simply, I am in the trenches with you. Don’t give up and neither will I. Let’s trust that God can use these horrible days to bring light to someone else. Together we can make it. You are not alone.